It is commonly known that our childhood experiences often shape our adult lives. Many times we hear about how those experiences may negatively impact us, particularly if the experience is a sad or tragic one. I have a different experience to share.
I did experience an emotional life altering event when I was 10 years old. My cousin died. Being a couple of the youngest grandchildren on my father's side of the family, I only had two or three cousins to play with at family gatherings, as all the other cousins were many years older. My closest companion was my cousin Todd. We were two years apart, with me being the older. When he was eight years old, and I was ten, he was diagnosed and later died from the effects of a malignant brain tumor. To say it was tragic is an understatement. His loss at such an early stage of my life taught me what mortality truly meant. I faced the fact that no one is exempt from death and realized that it could be me or anyone I knew as easily as someone like a grandparent. I can't say that the first few years after his loss I saw this reality as a gift. In truth, I often worried that I would be next. I thought that I would never live long enough to grow up, to finish school, get married, have children, or grow old.
Now, in my 60's I can look at the experience in a different light. My fears actually made me thankful and self aware of every little joy in this life. I think I have relished rights of passage in on a different level perhaps than some of my peers. God took a tragedy in my world and made me hyper aware of joy without expectation.
Because I did not expect to grow up, when I did I felt blessed to do so. When I met my husband and we fell in love and married, I was amazed to have this experience in my life. I certainly did not see myself being fortunate enough to have children, so each one was a true miracle, a gift to behold. Now having seen my children grow to be adults and have happy marriages of their own, I am in awe of my blessings. It is because of this that I believe I have been gifted with gratitude as a by product of loss.
What in my mind makes my experience different than many is that this gratitude attitude did not come from a personal illness or accident averted. It was learned vicariously through the loss of a beloved cousin. God used my childhood grief to shape my continued life experiences.
The concept of mortality hits hardest when it comes as an experience of losing someone your own age. It makes one aware that life is not promised, and we are not indestructible. To learn this difficult lesson young has impacted my entire life. But as with everything, God continues to show me his unending love and provision. He teaches me to be thankful for the life he allows me to have, and not take simple joys for granted. I hope to never forget each day is a blessing to wake up to, and continue to be amazed as I live past all expectations. And someday, according to God's promises, see Todd again.
No comments:
Post a Comment