I made a tough decision that I have agonized over for months. At the end of this school year, I am retiring from education. Even now saying this makes me choke up a little bit. So many layers have lead me to this decision, it's so hard, but necessary.
I'm excited for the lifestyle change, scared about what it will all look like, and melancholy saying goodbye to the classroom setting and the camaraderie of colleagues and students. Yet, it is necessary because I can't be a healthy me any longer in education, and that's pretty sad for me.
When I started being an ESL (English Second Language) paraprofessional and then Targeted Assistance Teacher 15 years ago at a local high school (yep, I am a late bloomer when it comes to getting my college degree), I was so excited to teach students and work to make their educational experiences easier and rewarding for them. I prided myself on working with each student, teaching and reteaching each concept until they were confident and able to be successful. If I even had one student fail one class, I felt like I had failed them, and found even more ways to help them learn the material. During the first several years, I often had students not interested in learning, and choosing to be on their phones rather than get help. Yet I was always able to get them to re engage with me and complete whatever work needed done with some encouragement and showing them that I genuinely cared about their success.
So much has changed.
Before the last two years of Covid's reign on our world, I had always planned on working until I turned 60 years old. I have consistently said that I didn't want to be the teacher that was grumpy, I would stop teaching before that happened. Well, here I am, turning 58 in April, and retiring.
I don't feel healthy any longer even with lifestyle changes. This mostly comes from me, I am a fixer, a caregiver, and I just can't fix the students anymore. This makes me disheartened. I first noticed the change the fall we came back after having to go full remote in March of 2020. The fear and the constant unknown of what protocols and situations would arise next took a toll on everyone. Students were in hybrid learning, which in our high school meant alternate groups came to school on alternate days. The students were informed that everyday was a school day and even when they physically were not in the building they were still responsible for learning that day. Lessons were introduced daily through their internet classrooms, assignments were given and expectations held. But honestly, learning only happened for most students when they were in the building. Home days were days that they checked in with teachers then checked out for the rest of the day. A new contagion came into the school that I would not have expected, but in my heart has been more devastating to the students than Covid. It's apathy.
Since we have been introduced to the Covid world, many students are so disconnected from their learning and more connected with their technology through various devices and sources that learning is extremely hard to maintain. Now, granted, my job is working with students that benefit from extra assistance. They are not the students that are excited to be at school and often fail to thrive in an educational setting. Yet somehow I could always reach them, now I can't.
They do just enough to get by, sometimes not even that. I offer help, I encourage, and they turn me down. Some completely refusing to do anything. Often I am told, "I don't feel like doing anything, so I am just not going to," or "I have just a little bit to do, I'm almost done," yet they haven't even started. And when I call them out on it, show them that I know how much they need to complete, they shrug and go back to their phones, computers, or just sitting. It's so sad.
As I said before, I am a fixer. When I realized that I can't fix apathy, I started to see a negative change in myself. My blood pressure has consistently risen over the past two years with needing more and more medication. I have gained weight and can't seem to take it back off. I am more depressed and introverted than ever before. I just can't be me anymore. I am fixer....I can't fix my students, sadly, but maybe I can fix me.
So at the end of May, 2022, I am going to embark on a new world adventure. I don't know what it looks like yet, but I know it is the right thing for me. I plan to concentrate of becoming a healthier and happier me again, first of all, then see what comes my way.
I am so thankful for the years I have had in education, the students I have worked with and the teachers who have taught me so much just being in their classrooms. I have met wonderful individuals who have enriched my life. I have a son of the heart that I would never have met or made "mine" if he hadn't walked into my classroom two years ago.
I announced to the school board last week my decision. It was extremely hard, but change is. Looking forward to May and the new horizon ahead.
