Today I Feel Safe...

Today is a good day.  

Today I feel safe.  

If you have read my blog in the past, you know I don't often write about anything but positive topics.  I do my utmost best to bring light and joy to others in the world.  But every once in a great while I have to share some concerns that are on my heart.  

Covid-19 is ruthless.  The stress of living and working during a pandemic is real, some days, weeks or months more than others.  Lately, it has been oppressive.  

I teach.  Yep, in a public school system.  I teach in high school.  I proudly boast that my school is one of the best, with staff who are like family that I go to be with every day and students that I am very proud to call "my kids" each and every day.  I often teach some students all four of their years in high school and after I have gotten to know them so well, I have been known to tell them how important they are to me.  Some stay in my life well after high school and I have grown to love them like my own children. 

All that being said...today I feel safe because today I am at home.  It is Saturday, my weekend, and I am not in school. 

When September came and we all returned to school I was optimistically cautious.  We have protocols we follow.  We vigilantly sanitize desks after every student, every hour.  We squirt sanitizer on every student's hands when they enter our rooms.  We require masks, and constantly remind mask weary students to pull up their masks, cover their noses....yet Covid numbers climb.

Don't get me wrong, I want to teach.  I want to see every student every day. I want to take care of each and every one of them.  I worry about them when they are required to check-in and don't.  I pray for them when they are quarantined.  I hold an entire conversation with them when it is their home hybrid day instead of just a quick, "thanks for checking in," when I see them on google meet or hear them on my phone, so they know I am still available to them even on days when they are not at school.  But they are at school every other day and I am in the building every day.

The stress is becoming overwhelming for me.  As I said before, I teach high school.  My students drive, they go places, hang with friends, work jobs with the public in our community, and come to school. Add to that the rising numbers of Covid in my community.  We are not a huge community, we are a rather smaller, rural community, but Covid is pervasive.  Last week our county posted our 42nd death. Our county school gating data stated- 

14 Day Positive Test Rate: 44% (an increase from last week)

14 Day New Case: 1,008 (positive cases are up).

Every day in my class, at least one student will ask me, when are we going remote?  They too are full of anxiety because of the county numbers.  They also want to be in person.  They also really want to be at school every day of the week because they know they learn best with a teacher in person. But they are scared. I had one student decide to go full remote last week due to this.  I feel their anxiety as well. I am so conflicted, I want the best for my students and I know many won't do their work at all if they are not at a school building but also I want to stay well.

I do my best to stay away from others.  I am not safe for people to be around.  Sure I wash my hands non-stop.  I always wear my mask outside the house.  I even stopped wearing my rings because I wash my hands so much with teaching I must constantly put on lotion or they crack.  

I want to see my family.  I am an empty nester so it's just my husband and I but I feel like I shouldn't go see others being exposed every day to so many.  This week finally took a major toll.  My aunt died.  I completely realize many have lost loved ones during the pandemic. But knowing that I should not go to a funeral where the family will be because I live in a county of rising rates and work with students that are active in the community is hard.  

My innate feeling is that I should soldier on.  That if we stay hybrid throughout the crisis I will not complain in-person to anyone.  I will continue to get to work and do my job.  Yet, I think it is a bit sad that I feel joy on a Saturday when I am home, simply because the chance to be at home out of the fray is when I feel safe.

I decided today that I am probably not alone, so I took the risk to share.  I don't have an answer. But I pray that someday again we can all feel safe again.